Meditations of Unsui
by happysquid008
Summary: Unsui meditates to ground himself. He finds the answer in an unexpected place: Agon. twincest slash AgonUnsui


Nirvana is what a Buddhist strives for. It is the state of not wanting anything. Wanting leads only to suffering. To not want is to truly rise above human limits and achieve spiritual uplift.

I am unable to reach this state.

I know this.

Every day, I am reminded by my ineptitude. My inability to reach a higher state of being is because I am engulfed in my own selfishness.

No matter how many hours of quiet meditation, no matter how many attempts to clear my mind of self, no matter how much I _give_, I am unworthy of such a pure, content state.

I am unworthy.

I know this.

Kongo Unsui, still in his school monk uniform, was sitting on a rock, cross-legged, in the wilderness. A thrashing waterfall cascaded angrily nearby. Crickets whispered and chirped nervously. Fireflies dipped and scattered flamboyantly.

The scent of fresh rain still hung in the air from the day. Dew clipped leaves and flowers, sauntering languidly down stems to rejoin the earth.

Strings of lanterns crisscrossed through the trees, exuding a dim, comforting glow. Unsui's hands, curled up and gently set on his knees, relaxed for the first time that day. He let out a breath and his tightly shut eyes relented.

Now relaxed, Unsui could begin a serious meditation. He searched for any sensations in his physical body. He felt the blood pump in his fingertips. The slight wind caressed his face, the humid air dispersing as it passed. He felt the pressure of his own body being forced to the earth. He heard the rush of the waterfall. He felt the solidity of the rock below him.

Unsui had established the first needed stage; to be one with the physical. He could not delve deeply inside himself without such preparation. To be at peace with oneself was infinitely more difficult to him.

He lowered his chin. To clear his mind, he did not attempt to erase his thoughts. He tried to isolate every single one of them and pin it down exactly. Unsui remembered the teachings of his master, his coach. He did not try to fight with his thoughts, but understand them. He sought out his most elusive thoughts and rationalized them. When everything was dispersed within him, he tried to picture what else was there.

What did he want?

Why was he unable to reach Nirvana?

What was the cause of his suffering?

He knew the answer. It was clear to him before he posed these questions. His suffering was because of his brother. That much he knew. But Unsui was not satisfied with just that. Kongo Agon was his twin brother, and it wasn't his very existence that caused Unsui pain. It was something else; something inside of Unsui.

He dug inside his thoughts, the inner workings of his mind.

What did he want? Why was his brother inflicting so much pain upon him? Agon had extraordinary talent and genius. Was he jealous of that? The power, the skills, the smarts? Of course. But _everyone_ held that jealousy, and _they_ weren't in as much pain as Unsui.

Though it was true they had always been compared, Unsui was used to Agon having the spotlight. Unsui knew that his brother had been destined to receive extreme recognition for his genius. He wasn't angry at Agon for being so talented; he was just disappointed that he himself had not received that gift.

He didn't hate his brother. He hated the gods for not bestowing that gift on him and making him watch the gifted succeed where he failed. That was why he trained so hard; that was why he forged an iron will to never give up.

He wanted… success. He wanted… praise. He wanted… a reason to go on. He wanted love, he wanted hope, he wanted so much that was denied to him. But he also wanted strength. He wanted skills. He wanted to be an equal to his brother… He wanted respect. He wanted to show the gods that genius could be achieved through hard work.

He also wanted Agon to succeed and be happy. That was why Unsui pushed all of his effort and time into being Agon' sole defender and sought for him to strengthen his already flourishing ego with more proofs of his title – the best. Agon was going to become the best there ever was – because Unsui needed him to. Because Unsui wanted a reason to exist. Because Unsui wanted a reason to say that he _couldn't_ be equal to his brother. Because his brother was the best.

He wanted _so much_.

And he_ suffered_ because of it.

He felt like tearing himself apart and roaring his sorrow to the world. Fail, despair, anguish, and self-hatred enveloped him.

Is it because of the gods' indifference to me that I cannot achieve Nirvana? Am I simply inferior by the whim of the gods? Is it not my fault I am wallowing in despair? Do I have no voice in my fate? No; it is because of my selfish desire to be more than I am that pains me. My fate is set down by my own inability to believe in myself. But, at the same time, I cannot believe. My hopes are crushed and my dream lives for someone else.

I am unworthy to achieve purity because I am stained with self-hatred.

I am unworthy.

I know this.

As Kongo Unsui sat in silence, suffering from his insight, a single lantern bobbed up and down across the water and down the path towards him. Footsteps, sharp and quick, resonated down to the water. Ripples of reverberations echoed into Unsui's ears, but he could not hear them. He had already discarded his physical being and was struggling to sort out the turmoil in his mind.

He didn't sense Kongo Agon's approach.

Usually, under the eye of Agon, when Unsui meditates, he is calm, the picture of serenity and seriousness. But that was not the side Agon was seeing.

At first, he could not see Unsui's face well enough to tell, but as he steadily closed in, the lantern illuminated every conflicted emotion, every passing thought. The forlorn frame twisted on top of a rock, the eyes shut tight, the teeth gnashed into a grimace, the knotted eyebrows more complicated than ever before.

Anger. Disappointment. Hostility. Hate. Indifference. Overwhelming Sadness. Quelling all of these under the surface was a core of calm, a stabilizing foundation of something Agon couldn't quite piece together. Was it because of his want of Nirvana? Was it because of hate? Was it because of his iron will to keep control?

How could he rein in his erratic emotions? How could he always remain so calm when his mind was raging inside?

Agon was enthralled. He couldn't tear his eyes away. Thrusting the lantern's pole into the dirt, he further observed his brother's plight.

Unsui's mind was at war with itself. By allowing himself to access his emotions, he had let them loose. He could not control himself. He felt his calm begin to turn into something of a panic. He began imagining things.

A dragon enclosed him, snaked his tail around him. The massive golden eyes had a red tinge of bloodlust shooting through them, the green and gold scales encircling, reflecting, and exuding a hard, beautiful, and entrancing glow.

Unsui was consumed with fear. His breathing became as erratic as his swirling thoughts.

Faces, so many faces, so many missed opportunities. So many disappointed, so many disillusioned, so many distanced.

(so many faces)

Dragon hissed fire into his face, fire that snaked deep into Unsui's mouth, eyes, nose, and ears, consuming him, becoming words, becoming scorn.

The faces still were there.

(so many faces)

The dragon's face

(so many faces)

Agon's face

(so many faces)

loomed about him and whispered insults of triviality into his ear,

(so many faces)

(all closing in)

steam, smoke, slithering, solitude.

Then it hit him – _the face he had thought was Agon's was actually his own_. He was projecting his hatred of himself unfairly onto his brother, even when he knew it was not completely unjustified.

Agon began to get alarmed. Unsui was breathing much harder now and shaking with suppressed panic. He was sweating and his eyes were flicking back and forth under his eyelids. Every muscle in his body was tense and the look on his face was a mixture between fear and pain.

His emotions welled up inside of him, each one dying to control him, fighting ruthlessly for the prize of his consummation.

He remembered that he should not be consumed by his flailing emotions. He remembered that he unlocked his emotions in order to make peace, not tear himself apart.

But what ultimately resolved his conflict was the fact that, even though Agon was superior to him and was arrogant as hell, he was still his brother and he loved him.

Like a mantra, he began chanting in his mind that one truth. _I love Agon. I love Agon. I love Agon. I love Agon._

The love washed his turmoil away, compressing it, blotting it out, forcing it down. Letting him take a breath. Letting him open his eyes.

It wasn't done, he still had serious problems. Unsui had failed. That was all he recognized. He didn't see, he didn't feel, he didn't taste the difference that one thought had brought his body. He didn't feel the lightness.

He didn't recognize the feeling of freedom because he had never felt it before.

All of a sudden, his eyes snapped open. He had forcefully imprisoned his emotions after almost going too far. He had failed to resolve them. He still saw stars. Agon looked on with a stoic face.

Still not fully aware of his surroundings, Unsui grasped at his heart and winced at the pain he felt from his entire body. He awkwardly uncrossed his legs and gasped at the pins and needles he instigated there. He slid down the edge of the rock, closed his eyes, and tried to calm down. Leaning his head back against the rocky surface, stretching his legs out, he opened his eyes to the stars.

His gaze was glazed over. He was exhausted from his attempt to make peace with himself. One word came out, then more followed.

"Damn…

"Why the hell does this…

"Why do I even…

"Why am I so…

"_weak_?"

A rogue tear scrambled furtively down his face. He blinked and tried half-heartedly to scrub it away with his arm, but midway he lost the will. He failed to see the point. His arm alighted across his brow.

He sighed deeply. Defeated, alone, unwanted, morose, and unquestionably tortured. That pieced it all together.

Unsui's arm slid off of his face. Agon saw his blank look stare into space. Agon was starting to become nervous.

He knocked on Unsui's head.

"Oi! Trash! _Oi_!"

Unsui started in shock.

"Agon…?"

He finally came back down to earth. He recognized his surroundings.

"What time is it?" He checked for his watch, but then Unsui remembered that he had misplaced it the day before. "Did Mom call you to find me…?"

"…It's nine." Agon stood, walked, and jerked the single lantern out of the ground. "I came to find you because I want money for a date. The girl refuses to pay. She said that if I don't this time, then she's breaking up."

Unsui sighed.

"But don't you already have the money Dad gave you last week? And won't he give you more if you ask?"

"I need it tonight. He's in a business meeting and Mom's hosting a neighborhood get together of Abstinence All the Way or some shit. Both of 'em are goin' crazy and won't even talk to me on the phone."

"…And how many girls will you have in total if this one quits on you?"

"…"

"Agon?"

"Just give me the damn money."

"…How much do you need?" Unsui pulled out his wallet from his bag, only a foot away.

Agon was still feeling a little unsettled after seeing Unsui so… passionate. He wanted to know exactly what was going on in his mind. He wanted to delve further. But he didn't. He didn't know what to do exactly.

He vouched for the jackass approach. Just like always. Usually he did it to push Unsui's buttons, trying to make him crack.

It was strange for him to feel this way, not knowing what to do. Agon paused at the beginning of endless stairs, the lantern pole on his shoulders.

"…You know what, she isn't even that pretty. I'll get another girl tomorrow anyway. You'll pay for some ramen or something. Let's go into town."

"Agon, I have tests tomorrow, I can't go out."

Unsui walked over to the rock and picked up his schoolbag. As he was slinging it over his shoulder, he heard a swish.

The end of a lantern pole clonked him on the head. He fell onto the ground, on his knees, clutching at his head. Agon was right behind him with a murderous look in his eye.

A hand closed around his neck and warm, biting breath rumbled into his ear.

"_Oh, Un-chan, you can't spend some time with your dear brother?_" Agon was smirking now. Unsui could sense it.

Lips skimmed down Unsui's neck and teeth bit down. He was paralyzed. Was it with fear? He couldn't tell. He felt as if he was inside ice, blocking him from his own emotions. Maybe it was because he was feeling too much.

"_You know who owns you, right, Un-chan_?" Agon hissed. "_You know what happens when you disobey_…" Unsui's head rolled back into Agon's shoulder. Agon had complete control.

Blood popped out of the teeth marks. Tiny little droplets, pinpricks thick, threatened to flow. Agon licked them away.

"Agon… I can't… I have to go home…"

"What, and listen to Mom give speeches about Abstinence through the walls? I doubt you'll get any sleep listening to her guilt trip."

He leaned in closer.

"_Because Un-chan isn't a virgin, right? We both know that, hmmm?_"

Unsui sighed again. Conflicting emotions surfaced on his face again. Anger, lust, sadness, self-loathing, hatred, guilt.

"…Dammit, Agon…"

"_You're weak, you know. I could crush you right now_."

Unsui gulped and felt the fingers shift around his trachea.

"…Yes. I know. I am weak."

"…_The why do you fight_?"

"…I…I just…" Unsui panted out. " I just want…"

"_What the hell do you want, hmmm_? _Think you matter_?"

"…I don't know, _I don't know_…"

"_Oh, Un-chan, you want something but can't pin it down? Maybe little brother can help_…"

"No, no, Agon, I need to get home…"

"_Maybe little Un-chan wants to be strong, hmmm? Maybe little Un-chan needs someone to verify his existence_."

"Agon, no, I can't…"

"_You are mine. You are weak. You are here to serve me in any way I please. You will never cross me_."

"Agon…Ah…!"

He had bitten down on Unsui's neck again.

Unsui's entire body arched in pain. One thing led to another, meaning Agon slammed him to the ground, straddled him, and then had both hands around his neck. A triumphant smirk was still on his face.

Unsui was squeezing his eyes shut. Agon didn't like that at all. He was supposed to be _looking_ at him, dammit. _Recognizing_ the power he had over him. The smirk disappeared, with a serious slash replacing it.

The hands around my neck relaxed and spread out to both of my shoulders under my monk uniform. The shirt slid off and hung to me by the tightly knotted sash around my waist. The hands were moving up and down my back now, but I wasn't going to try to escape. His eyes were boring into mine with a serious vengeance. I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't mind.

I couldn't move. My face was probably bright red. Every time Agon did this to me, I was always unable to stop him. As he straddled me, I became more and more aware that he was moving his body. And my head slammed against the dirt when my back arched. Groans and words came out of my mouth that I didn't think I knew could be said together.

Oh, he knew it now. He was looking into my eyes with that look – that look of complete submission. There was a spark in it that was new to me; maybe respect? The lanterns in the trees weren't the best, but I could still see every drop of sweat beautifully cascading down his sinewy chest.

I could hold out a little longer just to torture him. I decided to go for the shoulder and work my way up.

When his tongue came down to tease me, I knew that I was going to fail that test. I probably wasn't even going to show up the next day.

I decided I didn't give a damn.

His mouth was somewhere around my collarbone and his hands were holding both my wrists behind my head when I decided the teasing was going to stop. I connected our lips, gnashing them together with my eyes closed.

The force of his kiss thrashed my head against the ground. He was rough, much rougher than he had ever been before. He bit, he thrust, he tore. I reciprocated in any way I could. We were fighting each other for dominance. It was clear who would win the fight, but we went at it anyway.

Another reason suddenly occurred to me as to why I couldn't achieve Nirvana.

Maybe I'm not one with the physical. After all, to be truly content with the physical means that you would be able to go without physical pleasures – monks often fast and remain celibate.

I think I could go without food.

But I could never refuse sex with Agon.

I am selfish.

I am impure.

I am unworthy.

And I am now content.

As I explore Agon's mouth with my tongue, I am content. As he teases me with his roaming hands, I am content. When I yell at him for being late or lazy, when I fill up his bowl of cereal before he leaves, when I study in the next room when he's watching TV, when he answers my calls and no one else's, when we go shopping for Mom's birthday presents, when I open his Christmas present to me, when we play football, when he wins a round of chess against the computer, when we visit the Kansai hot springs, I remember.

I remember the one thing that pulled my mind together again.

I love Agon.

My life would be so boring, so meaningless if I didn't love him the way I do. Nirvana isn't all it's cracked up to be, anyway.

I'm fine with impurity.

I'm fine with being selfish.

I'm fine with unworthiness.

Because I realize now that if I was pure, if I was selfless, if I was worthy, I would be an empty shell.

Because I wouldn't love Agon.

Buddha says that want is suffering. Loving him definitely yields great suffering, a whole lot of wants all bundled up into one.

Screw Buddha, I love Agon.

END


End file.
